McCain Dedicated to Helping Citizens Find Their Pills, Slippers

Updated on 4/10/2008 at 12:45PM EST

John McCain will unveil what he is calling a "Missing Property" plan later Thursday to help Americans deal with the problem of misplaced pills.

"I believe a more robust, timely and targeted effort is my Missing Property plan. It offers every deserving American the opportunity to find out who moved their pills. This plan is focused on people; people whose pills and slippers are always being moved. People decide if they need help, they apply for assistance, and if approved, the government under my Missing Property Program supports them in getting to the bottom of the missing articles. There will be qualifications, for example the home must be a primary residence, and their must be two or more people living in the home. We will combine the power of government and the private sector to find immediate solutions for deserving Americans who can't find their pills and slippers.

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iPhone Atmosphere Re-Entry Day

Updated on 7/10/2007 at 10:24PM EST

Today, iPhone customers have lined up again in anxious anticipation of returning the overpriced hype-phone and purging their buyer's remorse by receiving a full refund of their $500-600 misplaced investment.

"I was too amped up to sleep or think clearly," said Pablo Defendini, 28, a graphic designer. "Apple has a knack for creating very easy-to-use products surrounded by a reality distortion field that makes them appear to be exponentially better than they actually are. Their deceptive touch in the cell phone market is long overdue, I believe."

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Verizon Wireless to Trump Apple iPhone on Launch Day

Updated on 6/28/2007 at 1:20PM EST

Verizon today announced that in response to the much anticipated launch of the Apple iPhone, which is a breakthrough new type of mobile phone/computer hybrid, its retail stores would remain open until 9PM on Friday, attempting to draw customers away from the high-profile launch. Some of the carrier's phone features may lure customers away, the company claims. The company pays particular attention to cost and notes that many of its phones cost $100 or less, including some music-capable versions, whereas the iPhone costs $500-600. Verizon wireless feels that potential customers of the iPhone, which represents a shift in mobile communications sure to create a seachange in how we communicate, will abruptly "change their minds" and "flock to our stores to purchase the same $100 mobile phone they have been actively ignoring for years."

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MADD, SETI to Join Forces in Fight Against Drunken Levitation

Updated on 6/25/2007 at 7:33PM EST

Citing the virtual extinction of alcohol-related deaths on Earth due to extremely effective awareness campaigns, MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) and SETI (Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence) have joined forces in an attempt to bolster awareness of drunken levitation.

MADD representative Maureen Howitzer claims that the drunken exploits of alien UFO's has wreaked havoc on our society for decades, ever since the discovery of our planet by extra-terrestrials more than fifty years ago. These alien overseers have remained largely invisible to humankind, but an increasingly large segment of "party-going troublemakers" has been tipping cows, changing radio stations, and surgically altering yokels.

"It's only a matter of time before someone north of the Mason-Dixon line gets hurt," explains Howitzer.

Extra-Terrestrials were not available for comment.

Photo, courtesy of Metro.co.uk:
http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?in_article_id=54522&in_page_id=2

Pac Man Found Dead at Age 28

Updated on 5/21/2007 at 1:40PM EST

The skeleton of Japanese expatriate Pac Man was found near a blue throbbing labyrinth today at 6:45AM, leading police to believe that his wife may have played a role in the death.

Though they had a child together, Pac Man and Ms. Pac Man never really got along, and the years of frustration and bickering have culminated in the apparent murder of Pac Man by his wife. Police have surmised that Ms. Pac Man somehow led her estranged husband into an acid bath, leaving only his perfectly cleaned skeleton behind.

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Hewlett Packard Announces Safer Printing Initiative

Updated on 5/17/2007 at 10:51PM EST

At WinHEC (Windows Hardware Engineering Conference) this past Thursday, Hewlett Packard (HP) unveiled a new line of printers featuring the new Microsoft operating system for embedded devices, dubbed Microsoft Windows Vista Embedded.

Boasting the Windows Vista security model with User Account Control, HP promises a safer, more secure printing experience. For example, when a user attempts to print a document, the printer will sense the potential security risk, and will first print a warning, requesting that an administrator print their password, before the original document will print. In this way, HP executives insist that rogue print-hackers will be thwarted "right at the door". In addition, a new, more secure ink will be used, to prevent malicious document authors from printing without being noticed. The new ink will work just like the existing ink, but users will not have the option to print in "draft quality" or "ink-saver" mode, and every document will contain a secure HP rainbow test pattern, so consumers can be sure that their print came from their new, secure HP ink jet printer, and not "some malicious hacker ink jet printer".

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Oprah Winfrey, ABC Debut "Who Wants to Be a Schoolionaire"

Updated on 2/26/2007 at 11:02PM EST

On Monday, ABC aired the Oprah Winfrey prime time special "Who Wants to Be a Schoolionaire", a game show in which intelligent young South African girls are emotionally manipulated with a series of interviews and pop psychological probes to find out which of them will be allowed to attend the only higher level learning center within 500 miles of Johannesburg.

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Microsoft Windows Visa Released

Updated on 2/10/2007 at 2:39PM EST

The long awaited successor to the world's most popular computer operating system, Microsoft Windows XP, was released to retail stores this past Tuesday.

Dubbed "Microsoft Windows Visa", the new operating system has been seven years in the making, and promises customers an equivalent user experience to their current flagship product, while adding the capability of using a credit card to purchase exciting add-on functionality to enhance the user experience.

"Our customers will find the new Windows Visa to be a fantastic upgrade from Windows XP," cites Windows product manager Michael Aston. "You can make the operating system better and better, the more you pay. We're offering our customers the ability to spend almost $3,000 over the next 5 years, in small increments, to enhance their user experience. Our customers only pay for the features they use."

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Grammy "Police" Reunion Causes Mass Stingmata

Updated on 2/5/2007 at 11:27PM EST

It's no longer a rumor: Sting, Stewart Copeland and Andy Summers will take the stage together once again as The Police. The trio is confirmed to open the Grammy Awards Feb. 11 at Los Angeles' Staples Center. What happens after that is still on the down low.

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Philadelphia 76ers First Half Win Streak Extended to 67

Updated on 1/26/2007 at 10:51PM EST

Jumping out to a 13 point lead early in the first quarter, lead by a balanced offense and significant production from bench players, the Philadelphia 76ers finessed their way to a convincing 56-42 halftime lead over the Cleveland Cavaliers, cementing their 67th first half win in a row.

"We're more than a team during the first half of games this year, we're a family," claimed point guard Andre Miller. "We may fight sometimes in practice, but so do brothers. We're tight."

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